Forgive me, I am not in a blogging mood tonight. A few weeks ago I got a scratch and dent camera for 1/2 price and when we went to Denver my sister "fixed" the settings on it and it is coming out super blurry. I was playing around with it tonight and think I managed to "re-fix" some of the settings...but here's whats going on in my house on this lovely Wednesday:
J and Artimus are watching TV. Mus is enjoying a nap.
Toby is laying right in the middle of my homework (you may notice the top book is J.A. Jance's newest... that is not my homework, I was sneaking some reading time in). Winston loves having his picture taken.
Winston and Maggie snuggle up in the storage room. Please forgive the green paneling and old bed/comforter. This is the garage sale pile and the last room to be re-done in our house! Our whole house had green and blue paneling and J has fixed everything but one room!!
As you can see, we are just hanging out around here. Tomorrow I hope to be more blog-inspired especially since a new friend nominated me for a blog award that I can't wait to fill out!
Awhile back I posted about the wonderful auction that the Williams family is hosting for Jonah's first birthday (read more about it here). It has officially begun and runs through the 27th. 100% of the profit goes directly to DebRA for EB research and care for families. I strongly encourage everyone to check it out...I have just placed my bids- there is everything from gift cards to kitchen stuff to blog makeovers! Plus you are helping out a good cause!
Today will be a jumbled post, bear with me because that's where my mind is at today! I am loving ICLW, reading everyone's stories and knowing that when I feel so stressed out and fed up- other people do too! Since I don't have any IRL friends who have gone through this journey (unfortunately I have an IRL acquaintance who I just learned had two miscarriages) I sometimes wonder if I am crazy. Turns out I am not, so that's always good to know!! So, on to the beginning of this week- does anyone know a good blog reader program other than Go*gle Reader? I have had the hardest time with this stupid thing- I get postings days later than they are posted, I delete blogs and all the sudden they come back, I hate it! If anyone has any suggestions I would love to hear what you use! I love going back on Mondays- it seems like everyone wakes up on the wrong side of the bed. My personal favorite was an email this morning from one manager to my boss asking why I had done something a certain way. My boss sends a three paragraph response about how if I would have just looked in the system, I would have done it correctly and I wasted 18 hours of operations time this weekend, etc, etc, etc....So as I am reading through all this back and forth when I first arrive this morning, I think, hm....this doesn't sound at ALL familiar. So, I go look in the system, as my boss so strongly suggested, and find that by a simple click of our AUDIT button, I wasn't the one who did this, it was done on a day I was out of the office and another person entered the incorrect information on my account. Let me tell you how much I had to hold myself back from responding, Had YOU looked in the system as you so kindly suggested, YOU would have seen that I was not involved in this situation! Or on YOUR calendar of our days out...Ya know, anything before firing off an nasty-gram first thing on Monday morning! Sheesh! Oh and since I threw it out there, I am going to comment on my dogs. My husband started out with a yellow lab (Maggie, 13) who has hunted her entire life with him and his brothers. I started with my baby Toby, 5 (shelter baby, looks like a fox-coyote mix, fastest dog I have ever seen) and my Winston, 3 (found wandering the street baby, some kind of boxer mix). Three was fine, we were good! Then came Zeke. J's mom worked at a doctors office and one of her patients found out he was terminal. With a wife and three young kiddos at home, he needed to get rid of the four puppies they had just purchased. We started out watching one for his brother who subsequently went through three other dogs (no, he didn't kill them, he decided a week later he didn't like one for whatever reason, gave it away then somehow ended up with another). So, months turned into years and our little Z is now two! He is a yellow lab also. Then, as I was driving home from work mid-December of this year and wondering what all the honking on the highway exit to my house was, I see a little boxer, skinny looking pup running in the road looking absolutely terrified. I finally coaxed him into the car and got him home. We put up signs, called the humane society, the radio stations, everything we could think of. We took him to the vet to be sure he was OK to be around our dogs and they told us that he was not in fact a pup, he was probably over a year and had been out in the street for awhile. He was sick, skinny and terrified of everything. The decision point came when one night J went to take a shower and he sat outside the shower curtain (but still in the bathroom) and cried the whole time. J was hooked after that- so then came Artimus (or Mr. Mus or Mus-turd as I call him!). Yes, we are the weirdos with five dogs and I know that some day in the future we will have a beautiful blend of kiddos with their own unique stories to go along with it. We need a bigger house before that day :)
In other news, I am extremely crabby and wish that my blood draw was tomorrow. I hate waiting and am no good at it. I am the crazy person who will have a slight headache and webMD it only to decide that I must have a rare brain hemorrhage or certainly brain cancer. My overactive mind is definitely not a good thing when I am forced to wait for something! Hope everyone's week is going well, at the very least- Monday is over with! Yay!!
Well, this is my first ICLW and I guess the proper thing to do is an intro. Welcome to my blog- I am a married gal living in KS, born and raised in CO. My husband and I are the weird people with 5 stray dogs who have become our furbabies. We were married in 2007 and have been TTC for a little over a year now. We have done 6 clomid cycles and one IUI. I work at a hellacious job which sometimes makes me laugh and sometimes makes me cry. I am a late bloomer, just finishing my degree which leaves very little time for my poor husband. Luckily he is a good sport about it and eventually I might be done with school! Anyways, that's the super-interesting story, can't wait to read all of yours!
Hi Friends, Hope your weekend was fun! Friday night I had a ticket to go with a friend to the Reba McIntyre and George Strait concert. She got the tickets on craigslist and I didn't exactly know where our seats were...boy, that was a learning experience! I wouldn't say that I am afraid of heights but sitting at the very top row of the new arena was not an experience I ever want to repeat! I felt like if I sneezed I might tumble down the whole 3.some miles to the ground (no kidding, they are doing an American Lung Association Run/Walk on the stairs there, three point some miles from bottom to top!). Anyways, the sound was not great and we couldn't see the screen because of the ceiling light beams, soooo the concert was kind of a bust. But, important lesson learned, NEVER pay for seats in that section again! Saturday was a whole lot of nothing, I was really bummed this weekend reading some of my IF blogs of those that received their BFP's or saw the second pink line- bummed because in each post I read there was also fear and a cautiousness. I think about the many stupid girls at work who had an "oops" pregnancy and never thought for a second about caffeine intake, cramping, miscarrying or anything else that seems to be a constant for those who have gone through IF or experienced loss. It's just not fair!! I know, life isn't fair either but for some reason this weekend just hit me really hard and I really had these girls on my mind this weekend. Anyways, other than being bummed on Saturday, we went to my BIL's house that he shares with his girlfriend. They were really fun and cooked steak and crab for us and we watched The Stepfather (weird...not something I would have picked, overall not awful...). Today has been the usual homework mad-dash and dreading going back to work tomorrow. The bright spot is that I actually started meal planning again, it kind of got lost in the shuffle. I have been using Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld which I think is an awesome way to get extra veggies and not taste them. I have some cauliflower and spinach scrambled eggs with whole wheat toast and a grapefruit ready for the first half of the week! Yummy! I have meatloaf with butternut squash and spaghetti and meatballs with carrot and spinach puree on tap for dinner this week. I like not having to figure it out as I am running out the door to make it home from work, so it will be good to get back to a pre-set meal plan!
Also, if you wouldn't mind, I have an appointment Wednesday morning and I can't stop worrying about it...I would appreciate a prayer or two! Of course, I will be wearing my lucky socks from my friend Meg (hey, even though it's only a blood draw, the socks can only help me, right?) so I know everything will go well :)
We just got back from my birthday dinner at Hu Hot (yummy...I cannot describe how much I love that place!) and while there came up with an excellent marketing idea for them. The Hu Hot wristband. Make a plate, eat, go out and run errands, come back and make another plate...LOL Their food is so delish but so filling! Then we went to the bookstore (my favorite place!) where I found a couple of books on clearance! Yay!! Now back home and I am about to fall asleep (lame!) but thats ok, more fun to come this weekend when a friend and I head to the George and Reba concert on Friday. Wahoo!! Hope everyone is having a happy Wednesday and a special birthday shout out to my friend Lou who also shares this wonderful birthday! Happy Birthday buddy!!
Ok, I do just have to share one story- my minor in college is in organizational leadership which means I have a lot of leadership and development classes. For one particular class we have to discuss a book called Life Entrepreneurs (I would not recommend this book, btw, I was not a fan!). We got put into groups and discussed much the way a forum or chat board works. So I post my overall review of the book as 80/20 and state that it is hard for me to find inspiration from people whose lives and circumstances I would already consider "extraordinary" such as the guy who started Clif bar and went on from their to redefine the way that the company was run. I mean, these are not ordinary people overcoming things, these are CEO's, rich people and the like coming up with good, successful entrepreneurs and how the rest of us can apply that to our lives. I did not directly attack anyone or anything in the book. Here is the response from a group member...you tell me, is this a little much?
My personal thoughts are that you have to make time to pursue what you want. whether that is making time for the gym, for quiet time, for socializing, I feel that you have plenty of time you have to prioritize. I have a 30 hr per week job, an 11 year old, a husband and I find that if I plan things I can get what I need in to my routine. I believe it would be the same with this books message. Honesly I would start slow, maybe take a leave of abscense from work and see where I end up.
My husband works full time, but then comes home and is on the computer or lazing around and I understand he needs downtime, but not 5 hours of it. I personally tell him to relax and then make him a plan to do something with me for 30 minutes or plan to go to the gym after work. Honestly I think people make excuses.
If your first thought after reading this is how poor the grammar and spelling are for a 600 level college class, fear not- I HAVE THE SAME ISSUE! I don't understand how most people made it to college in the first place. Anyways, my response to this (officially) was nothing but unofficially? Ummm...I work 50+ hours a week, take 15 credit hours of upper level IT classes AND run a freakin house hold. Please, come here for a week and tell me that you see where I can take time off?? Oh and taking a leave of absence from work? NOT POSSIBLE- that was kind of my whole point. In the real world, that isn't usually an option!
Ok, this will be a super-long, “two posts in one” catch-up from our trip and my first ever blog award! Yay!! I will start with the blog award, I want to thank JRS whose blog has been an inspiration and a positive voice to look forward to! Winner of the award are supposed to tell 7 things we don't know about you, nominate 7 new blogs and send a link to them so they know they won the award. Make a copy of this award and link it to your site.
7 things you don't know about me:
1. I am originally from CO (ok, some of you know that) and now reside in KS where my husband was raised. 2. Together my husband and I have 5 dogs- we have a soft spot for rescue furbabies. 3. My dad and I are both extremely double jointed. 4. I love, love, LOVE to read and have an entire shelf of “to be read” books. Currently I am reading the Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series by Laurell K. Hamilton and Darker Domain by Val McDermid. Along with a bunch of inspirational type books for school (yuck)! 5. I am an avid scrapbooker, want to learn how to sew and quilt and love to craft almost anything. 6. I am super competitive and somewhat of a perfectionist. 7. I broke my back when I was 18 and changed the whole course of what I had planned after high school. Oddly enough, at the same age J shattered his leg, twice, which led to a change in the course his life was taking (he was enlisted in the Marines the second time).
Now, 7 blogs that I would like to spotlight and give an award to are:
1. Sheryl- a new bloggy friend who always posts the most delicious recipes.
2. Megan- also a bloggy friend who is hilarious and such a good person.
3. Erin- yet another bloggy friend who is so sweet and so, so nice!
4. Lori- a bloggy friend who is TTC as well and stops by with encouragement.
5. Autumn- another TTC friend who always has a kind word.
6. Finessa- a bloggy friend who has a wonderful cooking blog. Her Tater Tot Casserole was A-MAZING!
7. Kristen- an IRL friend who is getting ready to welcome her 2nd daughter!
So. The trip to Denver. Some things turned out like we planned, some, not so much. We arrived Friday morning and spent the morning with my dad. Then we went and met my mom and sister while my sister had a doctor’s appointment we strolled around old Littleton (the old downtown part). I used to buy dance gear down there and there are a lot of fun shops! We found a spice shop and got some vanilla sugar (yum) and a sweet shop called sugar rush that was just precious! So fun – all the old candies from when we were kids, plus everything from tables to egg timers to hats decorated with pink and cupcakes (J loved it). Then we headed to Melting Pot, whose website specifically says “No reservations needed for lunch time.” Riiiiiiight. So we get there and the hostess asks for our reservation and we tell her what the website says and she says, huh…yea a lot of people have said that but it isn’t true. But we can try and get you in. Well, they did not get us in, at least within 30 minutes and by this time it was 2pm and we hadn’t eaten all morning (except for the trip to 7-11, more on that in a minute) and so we left and decided to head for C.B. Potts, a brewery in town instead. That was ok, definitely not as good as Melting Pot, but, oh well. So the 7-11 trip- I had heard on the Ryan Seacrest show (which I hate, btw but it is the only channel I get at work) that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden had designed these specialty coffee mugs for 7-11 and all the profits went to their children’s charity. So we go to 7-11 specifically to get these mugs and lo and behold they are PAPER mugs. Mugs is too strong of a word. Paper CUPS. Stupid! So we ended up getting some blackberry lime slurpees (miss slurpees!) and string cheese to tide us over.
Then, the best part of the trip- shopping at the outlet mall! I have mentioned WORK AT HOME MAFIA before, she posted a 20% off Coach outlet coupon- so guess where we went first? OMG it was a madhouse. We saw three people trying to steal (they were caught before they made it out, the old fake stroller no baby trick did not work for them!) and found some a-mazing deals! Although I might have spent before I thought (no way, right?) so I may have to re-evaluate what I purchased. But, I will say everything I found was initially 50 – 60% off list price then 20% off that! However, the best deal of the day was had by hubby! He went to the Calphalon outlet store and was looking at some santoku knives (he is a gourmet chef, by the way…he is awesome). Anyways, so the first knife he found was list price 129.99 and outlet price 79.99. Then, he picked up the package to inspect it and saw a sticker for 39.99. He checked every other box and that was the only one! So he snagged that. The cutlery was all an additional 20% off as well so he picked up a combo set that was marked at 49.99 and looked on the wall where the samples were and the sample set was marked 29.99. You guessed it, he walked away with both the big knife and the set for less than the marked price of one of them! Wahoo! The gal even commented- gee I guess I better check those prices! So, the rest of the trip wasn’t very eventful (shopping or Denver!) visiting with family, playing some Rummikube…the usual! I did get my Einstein’s so that was awesome! Here are some pictures:
Me and my sister
Forgot about this- we went through old toys, this is my baby from childhood, my sister is demonstrating the baby holder and how cool she is!
My mom and her dog, getting beat by J at Rummikube (we all got beat...)
Well, at 5:00am we will be. One might think I would be sleeping now but no, my plan to leave work early (ha!) did not work out so I did not take lunch and ended up working later than I have all week. Sheesh! So, our super early flight will surely improve the mood around here. Hopefully I can sleep on the plane. We then have a date with Einstein's Bagels (my favorite sandwiches ever!) and a plan to checkout the outlets at Castle Rock followed by birthday dinner at the Melting Pot. Yes, I will probably gain 500 lbs this weekend. So worth it, I miss Denver restaurants! So, to all my friends coming to the end of their 2ww- I will be thinking about you and praying for BFP's! Have a great weekend!
Hi Friends, I have been following little Jonah and his buddy Tripp for awhile now and I really, really encourage you to check out the auction that Jonah's family is holding for his first birthday to raise awareness for EB. And of course, Jonah is a February kid like me, so I have to show some love there!! I am sticking his button on my sidebar, the auction runs for 5 days before Jonah's birthday (on the 27th) and there are a ton of items to bid on! Yay! The link to the auction is: http://jonahsebauction.blogspot.com/
Because I am so unnecessarily angry at my husband. There. I said it. I know it can probably be chalked up to PMS and/or crazy fluctuating hormones and/or stress. I feel awful about it, I really do. I know that I have the best husband that a girl could hope for. He is my best friend and has been incredibly supportive during the ups and downs (mostly downs...) of this whole process. Since last night though, he has been on my last nerve. And you know what is completely ridiculous? It is irritating me the most that he just expects me to be OK with everything! I mean, the nerve! I am acting perfectly OK, he should know that deep down, I am going to lose it (no, I am not really that irrational which is why I know this is hormone-related, I am always the calm, level headed one. Except for now.) Ugh, I thought venting on my blog would make me feel better but instead it is just making me feel like a jerk. So my bloggy friends, please realize that a lot is going on right now and that I do (deep down) appreciate everything my husband does for me and how lucky I am. But just a little part of me is angry at him that I am in KS with no family, few friends and absolutely no one to talk to about any of this. Except the internet :)
So as I am typing this I have Pandora internet radio playing in the background. Sometimes I feel like God is sitting there laughing at me- and here is why: as I am typing I hear:
Where you go through life
So sure of where you’re headin'
And you wind up lost and it's
The best thing that could have happened
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah that’s when you find yourself
Ok God. I get it. I am being a brat and need to go focus on my stats homework and stop whining. Thank you.
Wow, I can't believe this weekend is over already! Feels like it barely started. First, the topic always on my mind, today is 8 dpiui. I feel cruddy, just a general, down in the dumps, mopey, achey feeling. For some reason, the past three or four cycles I have developed an aversion to coffee (which if you know me, you know how STRANGE that is) about a week before my period. Well, guess what...it happened again today. So, as much as I hope, I have to realistically realize that I am probably not pregnant, again. Even though I am loving me some pickles right now! Seriously, we ordered Jason's Deli and let me tell you, I was in hog-heaven with pickles and peanut butter cookies for my dinner yesterday! Started to pack for our trip and seriously tore my house apart for two days straight making garage sale piles, starting to pack, realizing I still haven't given out all my Christmas presents (February isn't too late, right?) and just generally stayed around the house and did homework (not as much as I should have, of course). I hope my mood improves before we go visit my family next week-it's going to be hard enough as it is, let alone Valentine's Day, my birthday and another failed cycle. Ugh. Oh yea- and I told myself if we had one more failed cycle, I was going to quit. The stress at my job is unreal. However, I have put out over 500 job applications in the past three months and have received one call for a job paying less than half of what I make, which I was going to interview for anyways but the day my interview was scheduled, I received a message that they had already hired someone. Yikes. All I know is, I am taking 18 hours this semester, one semester (possibly two) from graduation- plus all our IF struggles, I am not sure how much longer I can do all of this. I just have to keep hoping something is going to change some day soon!
On a positive note, LOL, I just found out that we get Investigation Discovery for a whole 'nother month on our free preview. Yay! I am a crime junkie and love, love, love me some ID network TV! I know I am driving J nuts- he hates these shows...but I have had my own mini marathon in the background all weekend, plus I cleared out the DVR so I can record everything possible before we lose the channel :) I know, it's the little things! Oh, speaking of little things, my friend Megan has a wonderful "year of charity" that she is doing on her blog and one of the groups she donated to is Fertility Socks which I think is just the neatest idea! Meg always finds the worthiest causes, and when she mentioned this one, I knew I had to get them some socks! So, I have a package in my purse, to mail tomorrow! I encourage my IF friends to check them out and if you aren't an IF friend, check them out anyways and realize that yes, a pair of socks can make a difference to someone going through this!
PS: No, we didn't watch the Super Bowl. Thank goodness, hubby cares as little about sports as I do. Hence the Dateline marathon! It's like the Super Bowl for me!
Can I just rant real quick? Because otherwise I will continue my quest on google to look up symptoms which could be ANYTHING and convince myself that I am pregnant. So, writing a blog post should at least distract me long enough that I realize what a waste of time this is! It all started last night, I had been really wanting some salt and vinegar chips all day. I hate salt and vinegar chips and we don't have really any chips around. Went to the mall and got really, really hot and dizzy (thanks prometrium...you are so much fun!) then met J's brother and his girlfriend at a bar for some hamburgers and darts. When we got our food, I started chowing down on my pickles and then J's...he looked at me and said, Uh- are you sure you aren't pregnant (I also don't really love pickles). I told him, even if I was, I would not be having these kinds of symptoms this early, so, while I can't be sure of anything yet, I have to tell myself I am not so that when AF comes I don't completely lose it (who am I kidding, I completely lose it anyways). Woke up this morning, same thing- pickles and/or salted chips. So I am settling for a carne asada burrito when J returns from hunting. And maybe some pickles later :) Also, as much of a pain as prometrium is, I found some really interesting information about it- namely that one of the biggest causes of low progesterone is stress and that when you have low progesterone and start taking it, you can have what seems like super-severe side effects whereas many other people have little to none. I need to talk to my RE next week, when we initially started my progesterone was low but has not been tested since. Wonder if that could have been one of the issues all along? Another thing I found is that most people are prescribed 100-200 mg and I am on 600 (sure that has nothing to do with my cramps, sleepiness and hunger which I would like to attribute to pregnancy but unfortunately probably not so much!). Anyways- now that I have talked reason back into myself and see the disaster that my living room is, I better get to work. We leave for CO on Thursday and J's brother will be staying here, I hate to have people over when my house is messy! Plus I guess I better pack and all- my dad talked like our flight was at a normal-person time and come to find out that we leave KS at 5:00am and our return flight doesn't get in until midnight. Suh-weet! But I am looking forward to at least two hours (plane ride) of un-interrupted reading time where I will NOT feel guilty that I am reading and not doing homework/cleaning/working around the house!
Someone else turns up pregnant and I just want to scream. Well that and we have to start tracking our time in increments of five minutes at work. Seriously. So, hopefully I have a job tomorrow because I decided that after item number 180 (well, I work 10-12 hours a day, salary, with typically no lunch...how many entries does he expect???) I decided to start having fun. Here were some of my entries for Thursday: 12:05 to 12:11 go to kitchen, get yogurt out of fridge, forget spoon. Return to kitchen, get spoon then eat yogurt.
3:30 to 3:45 explain to shipping yet again that passes must be received as passes and fails as fails. See entry in D2, D46, D85 and D90.
3:46 to ? Start trying to put schedule together for customer X. After the fourth interruption (less than 5 minutes, not documented...although 4 minutes times 4 interruptions is 16 minutes) gave up. On conference call with customer X discussed his impending maternity leave (I think he meant paternity but I really didn't want to correct him) and luckily didn't get a chance to bring schedule up.
6:15 I am leaving now. Yes, I have been here for 11 hours.
I wouldn't have been such a B* about it but to have someone who manages us and has never had a customer a day in his life, who came from an IT background ask "Well I don't understand what is taking so long. You should just put the schedule together, no more than 5 minutes, correct?" Just makes me (and everyone else in the department) want to scream. The funniest part is how petty everyone has become. I went and bought a bright pink HUGE watch at walmart and every time someone comes over to ask me a question, I turn my timer on. Another gal has a stopwatch around her neck and does the same thing. I mean honestly, while the people I work with are not my favorite on a personal level, they are some of the darn hardest workers I have ever met. To treat us like five year olds is a little ridiculous. Hopefully we only have to do this for a week- I take a little bit of pleasure in knowing the Mr.IT didn't set up his excel formulas correctly and he will have his work cut out for him when sorting through our items! I know, sick and wrong!!
Anyways, yet another friend (well actually my cousin) posted this on her facebook status: "I can't believe I am going to be 27 with three kids! Yes, we are pregnant again- I am so old!!" All I wanted to respond with was (no, I didn't...I save my attitude for my blog!): " I can't believe I am going to be 26 with no kids. Yes, we have officially spent a year doing fertility treatments with no success. It makes me feel so young!!!"
Let me just share that I am having the worst freakin cramps ever! I know, everyone really wanted to know that. Since I am only 4dpiui (days past IUI), I sincerely doubt it is anything to get excited about (like, say....oh....implantation cramps) but DA**. If it is like this each cycle, I am not sure I can do it again. I am talking doubled over in the middle of a sentence cramps. PLUS- no advil/ibuprofen so I am just going through it. Ugh. There really is no other news, other than the wonderful mood swings and hot flashes still in full effect!! Plus my super positive attitude... But on a good note, I found an IF blog who wore socks from Little Miss Matched to her IUI and it was the cutest idea EVER so I promptly ordered myself some stars and some polka dots! When I told J he said, Uh- those are for little kids. Men! Anyways, can't wait for those to arrive, at least something in this whole process is fun!!
Why am I blogging and not doing homework?? Oh yea, cause homework sucks! I have senioritis, big time. I am still two point five semesters from graduation...feels like forever. Although, I made an executive decision to order myself a Cookies By Design bouquet for graduation in December. After all, how many times do you graduate college? (Ok, three if you are me...but how many times do you get a cookie bouquet?? NONE!) So I had an awesome post planned for a look back this past few months at our fertility journey. I have really been enjoying the book The Conception Chronicles and I think my favorite line so far has got to be one of the gals talking about screw a kids meal discount, if you have paid more than 20k to try to have a kid, you deserve a freakin discount at a restaurant!! Makes me laugh when I don't think this whole TTC thing is very funny (most days...). Anyways, as I was putting together my numbers I realized that in the past 10 months of trying we have spent almost 6k and 2k of it has been the first IUI cycle. Yes, we are blessed to have high deductible insurance with no fertility coverage. I mean, at least my asthma medicine is covered (at $225 for a 30 day supply of pills)! By the way, anyone considering fertility treatments should really check out Freedom Fertility Pharmacy. I had NEVER heard of them until my doc accidentally called my RX in there. Turns out, they are about 40% cheaper than my regular pharmacy and they deliver overnight- for free! So anyways, back to the ridiculous amount of money we have spent so far...I then started to count up the number of pee sticks I have wasted and the number of useless gadgets/vitamins/books I have acquired thus far and all of the sudden, it wasn't a real funny post. I know, I know, many people have spent much more time/effort/funds and still are in the same place I am. But, it's my blog and I will whine if I want to!
First off, let me say- if you love free stuff and don't follow Work at Home Mafia then you should! I just saw this deal on facebook and had to take advantage of it. Canvas People is offering a $55 gift certificate towards their canvas prints which makes the 8x10 free (with shipping ~ 14.95), the 11x 10 is 9.99 and so on. Of course, I love a deal and had to take advantage of it. In doing so, I went through my wedding pictures from December of 2007 that I have yet to get printed or scrapbook, and found a few favorites to share. First, the one I picked for our canvas:
A few more of my favorites:
From top: Jerad and I, my family, my sister and Jerad's best friend (maid of honor and best man), all of the men (brothers, dads), my mom letting me wear my grandma's bracelet. Even though our pictures sucked (seriously...I will have to do a wedding post some day. Our pictures were awful, the Pastor forgot our names, there was family drama...overall an unforgettable wedding!) BUT even thought our pictures mostly sucked, there were some good ones and I can't wait to see my new canvas print!
I know, super creative post title! This morning was our IUI and I am likely not ovulating until tomorrow (I forgot to do my poas test today but I am going by every other month's numbers). So, I am not officially in the two week wait, but sort of. IUI wasn't too bad- we were a little late in the door and got to walk into a waiting room with four other couples. I hate how awkward that felt but, oh well! You would think there would be some sort of knowing look or something but mostly (and J felt it too) it was like everyone was wondering what's wrong with you and why you were there! The procedure itself wasn't too bad. The worst is the warning the tech gave me about the meds I have to take the next two weeks. As if the wait wasn't bad enough, she tells me that these medicines can mimic pregnancy symptoms (breast tenderness, nausea, moodiness, fatigue) so to "not get too excited." I tell ya, I haven't blogged about it too much but the absolute worst part of all of this is that each two week wait, I look myself in the eye and say you are NOT pregnant, this is NOT a sign of pregnancy...yet inevitably something gives you that ray of hope. Every twinge, every headache, every cramp makes you wonder if you are pregnant even when you try your hardest not to think about it. So, after she told me this and left us alone ( I had to lie flat for 20 minutes) I just started bawling. Poor J was trying to wipe my face and make sure I didn't move. I just dread these next two weeks- especially since some of it will be spent with my family who has no idea that any of this is going on. Then we will have to tackle Valentine's day and my birthday- 25 hit me really, really hard and I hope 26 goes a bit smoother!
And, because I feel like all I do is rant about IF on here, let me just tell you about some delicious tater tot casserole that my bloggy friend Finessa made. You can check out her recipe here. It is so, SO good and was so, SO easy! I made it while J was hunting and I should have been doing homework! Definitely worth it. Hope everyone is having a good weekend...guess I oughta tackle some of that homework...
For anyone keeping track (my future sister in law, for one!) tomorrow is our first IUI. I am nervous about the timing, my doctor seems to think that timing will be perfect. Normally I ovulate 48 hours after my trigger shot, sometimes up to 72. However, IUI's are typically done 36 hours after. There seems to be a difference of opinions as to how long sperm can live after being washed. I have read that within 6 hours either side of ovulation is the best time for IUI- obviously ours will be 24 hours early. So, hopefully our timing is good and etc, etc. No, my attitude hasn't improved from yesterday :) But, I have a weekend full of homework to look forward to so here's to hoping things look up (ha ha!)
I found this at: http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread.html. Once I figure out how to put the little ribbon up, I am doing it! But for now, this story is exactly what I needed today. I found out eight (YES, EIGHT) girls that I graduated with are all expecting. And, another 19 year old at work is too. So, today this was just what I needed to see! I stumbled upon an IF (infertility) blog and found this story. I don't really know what qualifies as IF, we are doing all the IF treatments...but it's a club I don't really want to join so for now, I will be an un-official member. Anyways.
For anyone who has ever had a miscarriage, struggled with pregnancy, and all things infertile…there is a movement upon us that you might want to join. It’s rather simple actually: a discreet ribbon on your right wrist to signal to others that they are not alone in their struggles. As someone who has had 5 m/c but am currently 5 months pregnant (YEAH), I wonder who looks at my big belly with sadness because they are in the month-to-month struggle. I mentioned to a friend that I wished there was some secret nod or international sign as if to say, this belly was hardwon. Well, she posted this quandary on her blog (http://www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/) and the response has been quite overwhelming…and a movement has been born! Pomegranates, a longstanding symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in colour and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. Though our diagnosis is unique—endometriosis, low sperm count, luteal phase defect, or causes unknown—the emotions, those seeds on the inside, are the same from person to person. Infertility creates frustration, anger, depression, guilt, and loneliness. Compounding these emotions is the shame that drives people suffering from infertility to retreat into silence.
The pomegranate-colored thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through any means, natural or A.R.T., families created through adoption or surrogacy, or couples trying to conceive during infertility or secondary infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware. Join us in starting this conversation about infertility by purchasingthis pomegranate-coloured thread (#814 by DMC) at any craft, knitting, or variety store such as Walmart or Target. Tie it on your right wrist. Notice it on others. Just thought I would pass the word along!
Today was my appointment to check the status of my eggs (wow, NEVER thought I would be saying that!) and although I am so sure that everyone wants to know this information... (right....) I am recording it so that next month I can compare because believe it or not, a month goes FAST and before I know it, I can't remember what I ate for dinner, let alone what happened last month. So, for comparisons sake: This is my fourth cycle of clomid, my first with injectables and IUI. At CD12 I have 3 follicles- 19, 19 and 14 (again, never thought I would be the girl typing up the size of my follicles for the world to see!). Our IUI is on Saturday which will be our first IUI and CD 15. So much fun I can't even stand it!
In other news, school is back full force. I cannot wait to graduate (December...here I come!) and work has been hell. We are going to Colorado in two weeks which will just happen to coincide with Valentine's day and my 26th birthday. I am really not looking forward to finding out I am not pregnant on a trip to my parents house, the day before my birthday (I know, I know...I have no positive left in me. It got used up four cycles ago. Or, it got used up with all the ass-kissing I had to do with three customers in house this week. Either way, I am out). So, that's my super-positive Thursday post. I just want to be sure I remember next month where I was at this month so that any tiny measure of improvement can be tracked- I really need to see something!
Oh and on a third note, if you would, say a quick prayer- we are getting our home study started for adoption, we are working with an agency that works with disabled kiddos and the cost right now is overwhelming. But, if it is meant to be, it is meant to be and we will find a way. I am keeping it on the back burner because I have no idea what the journey will bring and don't want to get anyone's hopes up!!
Seems like no matter how much I look myself in the mirror and repeat, that is NOT a sign of pregnancy, you are NOT pregnant, it still breaks my heart every time my cycle starts. Yes, today is day one of my next cycle. Which means, no baby this cycle. As they say in the TTC world, BFN (big fat negative which I like to call Big FUCKING No....). Luckily Jerad has enough hope for both of us because I just plain want to give up. I know, I know, I am being whiny and there are a lot worse problems out there. However, I cannot explain the feeling of every little sore throat, twinge in your ovary, headache, etc making that small iota of doubt creep in. Seriously, the best comparison I have is when you really wanted a certain present for Christmas and mom and dad said, now little Susie, we didn't get you a pony this year. Yet, you still look around and every sound you hope is a neigh. You tell yourself that the one present looks just big enough to be a saddle. Then, when Christmas rolls around and you don't have a pony- you know that you shouldn't be disappointed but yet you are. Imagine going through that every month. It just plain sucks. And, for the whole first half of this cycle I was just content to get through to the next one. Then we started to see progress. Four eggs. The most I have had in all the prior months combined. I tried to tell myself all cycle that nothing was going to happen, I wasn't pregnant, but I couldn't take back the hope that something would happen, that this would finally be the time. So, when I started bleeding today, even though I tried to tell myself that it was coming, I just couldn't fully prepare for it. Tomorrow I call the doctor and we begin our first shot/IUI cycle. I really am just exhausted and wish that I had a better attitude about it all. Maybe tomorrow.
Well, not really. By madness, I mean the crazy up-and-down hormones and shot cycle. Actually, that begins Monday. Hopefully it can't get any worse than the clomid. According to some it is better and some say the hormones are much worse so I guess we will see! We went to see Brad Paisley at the opening night of the new arena in town and it was a blast! I would post pictures but unfortunately one side effect that has not bypassed me is the hot flashes! Holy moly, it is unreal! For most of last week I wore long johns, jeans, tank top, tee-shirt, and sweatshirt. Plus my coat and hat outside and even some days my gloves inside. Well, as unpredictable as these lovely swings are, I happened to get so hot at the concert that I got sick. I then finished the night in a black tank top and hot pink bra (no kidding...that's why I won't post pictures!) in below freezing weather. Ahhh!! One day this will all be funny, I hope! Anyways. I had a blast with Jerad's brother, his girlfriend and an old friend that I worked with when I first moved here. We also got quoted in the paper! I had the link up on facebook, in case anyone wants to read my words of wisdom :) Well, the countdown is on, trying to balance out my dread of having to see yet another negative test (even when you know it is coming, it still is one of the most awful feelings in the world) before I can start shots with the positive thought that I have a crown and new glasses appointment next week too. Seriously, who ever thought that getting a crown and going to the eye doctor would seem like the highlight of my week?
And what a joy it was. I had no headaches the entire break- BAM- I have had a headache today that is quickly turning into a migraine that I cannot get rid of. I am just so bummed to know that all of the progress I made these past two weeks can be erased so quickly. Now the countdown begins to the first shot cycle which will be about the 18th of January. There isn't much to say, I am just trying to ignore this cycle and get through it. One day I will have to do a post on all of the rude and hurtful comments made to me. I really don't understand why TTC is like free reign to people. I mean, you wouldn't walk up to a stranger or a barely acquainted co-worker and say, "Wow, do you think you are ever going to get married? Cause, like, you are getting really OLD!" Somehow when you are trying to have a baby, even though that is something that you cannot physically control AT ALL, people feel the need to give advice and say hurtful comments all over the place! I know that I am a little sensitive right now (a little...ha!) but really, somehow my workplace has just become free reign for all. Nobody there even knows the half of what we are going through but I will be darned if I don't get asked on a regular basis when I am going to drink the pregnancy water (we have 4 preggos at work right now), if my clock is ticking (one engineer walks by me in the hall and will only say "tick tock, tick tock"), if I feel like I am wasting time because I am not preggo yet (true comment!)...it is just unreal. It takes everything I have not to burst into tears, then to come home and be hit with a commercial or advertisement for something silly but baby related, man, I could use another two weeks of hiding from the world!
In other news, I was also bummed to learn that instead of having two graduation ceremonies, my school only has one. So, May of 2010 the graduates from fall 09, spring 10 and summer 10 will walk. Unfortunately I will be three credits (one class) short and have to graduate fall 2010, which means that I will not walk until May 2011. At that point I will be two semesters deep into my masters. Ugh! I was really looking forward to meeting my friend Julie. Since all of my classes have been online, I haven't had the "typical" college experience and don't get to meet any of the people who I have had multiple classes with. Also, I was really excited to see my 5 years of work come to an end! Darn it!
Happy Monday! Oh, I did go an order an awesome necklace from the Vintage Pearl. Yes, a blogger who shall remain nameless advertised this and while I want nothing to do with promoting this person or anything they are associated with, the first necklace under their "unique" category just really caught my eye and has been on my mind all day so I took some of my Christmas money and purchased that exact one, with the baby feet in the center and the words "you are worth it all". I think it will be a beautiful reminder that all the hurtful comments, shots, up and down emotions...all of it will all be worth it one day (soon, I hope!)
I will have to say, the worst part about trying to conceive is what's called the "two week wait" (or 2ww). There is nothing like this time period which is the 14 days after you ovulate up to the day your period is due (at which point you are likely to tell if you are pregnant or not). For those of you who haven't been through this, think of the anticipation you felt leading up to Christmas...but at the end, you may or may not get a "special present" (ha ha...) It doesn't matter how you psych yourself out, inevitably you will find yourself on google late at night looking up every mystery symptom to see if it is a sign of pregnancy. Seriously, I could probably tell you for every DPO (day past ovulation) what pregnancy symptoms you are most likely to experience. I wish that I could convey how crazy it is because as I told my very supportive husband, I wish that I did not know that a sore throat at 7-9dpo is a sign of pregnancy. I wish that I did not know that cramps in your ovaries or spotting or any of these other things are just as likely a sign of your monthly visitor, but somehow during that week you are convinced it is an impending pregnancy. Seriously, last month I told myself that there was NO WAY that I was going through that again. I was great, I wasn't even tracking my dpo when all of the sudden I woke up with a sore throat and sick to my stomach. As I counted the days, I realized I was at exactly 9dpo. As I tried to tell myself that I was just coming down with the flu, I needed to relax, there is something in your mind that whispers, no, you could be pregnant and you can't help but start looking for other signs and symptoms. I have to say, I would take 20 ultrasounds (they don't call infertility "the stirrup queen" for no reason) to not have to go through this wait. I hate that my body does something different each cycle and I can never count on the same feelings or symptoms as last month.
So, my friends, if you are or will be TTC, I wish you luck and know that the crazy-late-night-google happens to the best of us :) I caution you to not get too caught up in the chat boards and to take some of the stories with a grain of salt. Case in point, there is one particular posting that made me literally LOL (laugh out loud) where a girl posted her "positive" pee stick tests starting at 7dpo up through 14dpo. Seriously? What point do you get to where you post pee sticks on the internet for the world to see the change from day to day?? And how lame is it if you actually look at this? I was fascinated and all of the sudden the commercial that says "1 in 4 women can mis-read a traditional pregnancy test" made a whoooole lot more sense to me because I tell ya, I would not have figured positive on ANY of those!! Anyways, it is about to be that time for us, (I say us, though Jerad has NO idea that I frantically google all of this...there are limits to his love, I am sure!) so wish me luck and I wish you all the same!
Ok well it's been awhile. Funny that my last New Year's resolution was to keep a better blog, which clearly hasn't happened! As we played scrabble with Jerad's dad last night and tried to remember what we were doing at this time last year (still no idea, probably because it was so boring it wasn't worth remembering!) I realized that I need to keep better track of things. Since I have yet to scrapbook our wedding, I am clearly just going to have to make more time for scrapbooking and or blogging. Especially while we are TTC, while this has not necessarily been a time I would look back fondly on, it is important to look back and realize that all of this was worth it at some point (hey, I hope that point is sooner rather than later!!). So, as I look ahead to 2010, here is what is in store:
- After 9months of unsuccessfully TTC and under the care of an excellent RE (reproductive endocrinologist), we will start "shots and IUI" also known as Ovarian Hyper stimulation and Intrauterine insemination in the middle of January. This break over the holidays has actually allowed me to produce more eggs than ever which has led to discussion about work, school and the benefit of continuing to spend money on this with all the stress I currently have. (If that didn't make sense, we realize that with stress in the picture we may be just throwing money down the drain but unfortunately there are several very expensive tests that must be current within one year in order to keep going that I have had done within the past 6 months but if we wait will have to pay for yet again. Keeping all of this in mind as we continue treatment, I am not sure what the next year will bring).
-We did not get ANY house repairs done over break. Should we magically receive a babe on our doorstep tomorrow, we have absolutely no place to put said child. So, hopefully there is time, energy and money available as the year goes on to take care of our final room remodel.
-We added another addition to our family. Yes, we are the weirdos with 5 dogs. Although this one in particular can be attributed to Jerad, I have to say that in my humble opinion, we will be excellent parents. We have the five most loved dogs I have ever seen (not that I am biased) and could not turn away our little mus (artimus, also known as muss, mr.muss) as we saw his skinny behind trying to cross the highway.
-I will graduate this year (yay!) and have no idea what to do with myself after the past seven years have been spent (on and off) working on my degree! I will likely graduate in the winter and have been looking at masters programs to go in to while I still have the motivation.
Wow, that seems like quite a bit to start the year off with...can't wait to see what 2010 will bring.
Oh, and for the record, we spent New Year's Eve 2009 at Jennifer's house (Jerad's dad's girlfriend) eating tacos and playing scrabble and Wii. The highlight of the night was when Jerad tried to pull "fadegun and e-flocks" as a double word in scrabble and described eflocks as the birds that are too lazy to migrate so they do it online. Nice one honey.
I started my blog a few months ago and wasn't very good at keeping up with it! Between work, school, being newly married as well as my eBay and etsy ventures (fiascos, whatever!) I have too much to do and not nearly enough time! I hope to be better about that!! I am a newlywed (can I still count as a newlywed? That's how old my profile is!!) and I love spending time with my wonderful husband and our four big furry babies.