Sad

Seems like no matter how much I look myself in the mirror and repeat, that is NOT a sign of pregnancy, you are NOT pregnant, it still breaks my heart every time my cycle starts. Yes, today is day one of my next cycle. Which means, no baby this cycle. As they say in the TTC world, BFN (big fat negative which I like to call Big FUCKING No....). Luckily Jerad has enough hope for both of us because I just plain want to give up. I know, I know, I am being whiny and there are a lot worse problems out there. However, I cannot explain the feeling of every little sore throat, twinge in your ovary, headache, etc making that small iota of doubt creep in. Seriously, the best comparison I have is when you really wanted a certain present for Christmas and mom and dad said, now little Susie, we didn't get you a pony this year. Yet, you still look around and every sound you hope is a neigh. You tell yourself that the one present looks just big enough to be a saddle. Then, when Christmas rolls around and you don't have a pony- you know that you shouldn't be disappointed but yet you are. Imagine going through that every month. It just plain sucks. And, for the whole first half of this cycle I was just content to get through to the next one. Then we started to see progress. Four eggs. The most I have had in all the prior months combined. I tried to tell myself all cycle that nothing was going to happen, I wasn't pregnant, but I couldn't take back the hope that something would happen, that this would finally be the time. So, when I started bleeding today, even though I tried to tell myself that it was coming, I just couldn't fully prepare for it. Tomorrow I call the doctor and we begin our first shot/IUI cycle. I really am just exhausted and wish that I had a better attitude about it all. Maybe tomorrow.