And now for something different

First off, let me say- if you love free stuff and don't follow Work at Home Mafia then you should!  I just saw this deal on facebook and had to take advantage of it.  Canvas People is offering a $55 gift certificate towards their canvas prints which makes the 8x10 free (with shipping ~ 14.95), the 11x 10 is 9.99 and so on.  Of course, I love a deal and had to take advantage of it.  In doing so, I went through my wedding pictures from December of 2007 that I have yet to get printed or scrapbook, and found a few favorites to share.  First, the one I picked for our canvas:

A few more of my favorites:

From top: Jerad and I, my family, my sister and Jerad's best friend (maid of honor and best man), all of the men (brothers, dads), my mom letting me wear my grandma's bracelet.  Even though our pictures sucked (seriously...I will have to do a wedding post some day.  Our pictures were awful, the Pastor forgot our names, there was family drama...overall an unforgettable wedding!) BUT even thought our pictures mostly sucked, there were some good ones and I can't wait to see my new canvas print!

0 DPO

I know, super creative post title!  This morning was our IUI and I am likely not ovulating until tomorrow (I forgot to do my poas test today but I am going by every other month's numbers).  So, I am not officially in the two week wait, but sort of.  IUI wasn't too bad- we were a little late in the door and got to walk into a waiting room with four other couples.  I hate how awkward that felt but, oh well!  You would think there would be some sort of knowing look or something but mostly (and J felt it too) it was like everyone was wondering what's wrong with you and why you were there!  The procedure itself wasn't too bad.  The worst is the warning the tech gave me about the meds I have to take the next two weeks.  As if the wait wasn't bad enough, she tells me that these medicines can mimic pregnancy symptoms (breast tenderness, nausea, moodiness, fatigue) so to "not get too excited."  I tell ya, I haven't blogged about it too much but the absolute worst part of all of this is that each two week wait, I look myself in the eye and say you are NOT pregnant, this is NOT a sign of pregnancy...yet inevitably something gives you that ray of hope.  Every twinge, every headache, every cramp makes you wonder if you are pregnant even when you try your hardest not to think about it.  So, after she told me this and left us alone ( I had to lie flat for 20 minutes) I just started bawling.  Poor J was trying to wipe my face and make sure I didn't move.  I just dread these next two weeks- especially since some of it will be spent with my family who has no idea that any of this is going on.  Then we will have to tackle Valentine's day and my birthday- 25 hit me really, really hard and I hope 26 goes a bit smoother!


And, because I feel like all I do is rant about IF on here, let me just tell you about some delicious tater tot casserole that my bloggy friend Finessa made.  You can check out her recipe here.  It is so, SO good and was so, SO easy!  I made it while J was hunting and I should have been doing homework!  Definitely worth it.  Hope everyone is having a good weekend...guess I oughta tackle some of that homework...

Tomorrow is the big day

For anyone keeping track (my future sister in law, for one!) tomorrow is our first IUI. I am nervous about the timing, my doctor seems to think that timing will be perfect. Normally I ovulate 48 hours after my trigger shot, sometimes up to 72. However, IUI's are typically done 36 hours after. There seems to be a difference of opinions as to how long sperm can live after being washed. I have read that within 6 hours either side of ovulation is the best time for IUI- obviously ours will be 24 hours early. So, hopefully our timing is good and etc, etc. No, my attitude hasn't improved from yesterday :) But, I have a weekend full of homework to look forward to so here's to hoping things look up (ha ha!)

Love This!

I found this at: http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread.html. Once I figure out how to put the little ribbon up, I am doing it! But for now, this story is exactly what I needed today. I found out eight (YES, EIGHT) girls that I graduated with are all expecting. And, another 19 year old at work is too. So, today this was just what I needed to see! I stumbled upon an IF (infertility) blog and found this story. I don't really know what qualifies as IF, we are doing all the IF treatments...but it's a club I don't really want to join so for now, I will be an un-official member. Anyways.

For anyone who has ever had a miscarriage, struggled with pregnancy, and all things infertile…there is a movement upon us that you might want to join. It’s rather simple actually: a discreet ribbon on your right wrist to signal to others that they are not alone in their struggles.

As someone who has had 5 m/c but am currently 5 months pregnant (YEAH), I wonder who looks at my big belly with sadness because they are in the month-to-month struggle. I mentioned to a friend that I wished there was some secret nod or international sign as if to say, this belly was hardwon. Well, she posted this quandary on her blog (http://www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/) and the response has been quite overwhelming…and a movement has been born!
Pomegranates, a longstanding symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in colour and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. Though our diagnosis is unique—endometriosis, low sperm count, luteal phase defect, or causes unknown—the emotions, those seeds on the inside, are the same from person to person. Infertility creates frustration, anger, depression, guilt, and loneliness. Compounding these emotions is the shame that drives people suffering from infertility to retreat into silence.

The pomegranate-colored thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through any means, natural or A.R.T., families created through adoption or surrogacy, or couples trying to conceive during infertility or secondary infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware. Join us in starting this conversation about infertility by purchasingthis pomegranate-coloured thread (#814 by DMC) at any craft, knitting, or variety store such as Walmart or Target. Tie it on your right wrist. Notice it on others. Just thought I would pass the word along!

First IUI

Today was my appointment to check the status of my eggs (wow, NEVER thought I would be saying that!) and although I am so sure that everyone wants to know this information... (right....) I am recording it so that next month I can compare because believe it or not, a month goes FAST and before I know it, I can't remember what I ate for dinner, let alone what happened last month. So, for comparisons sake: This is my fourth cycle of clomid, my first with injectables and IUI. At CD12 I have 3 follicles- 19, 19 and 14 (again, never thought I would be the girl typing up the size of my follicles for the world to see!). Our IUI is on Saturday which will be our first IUI and CD 15. So much fun I can't even stand it!

In other news, school is back full force. I cannot wait to graduate (December...here I come!) and work has been hell. We are going to Colorado in two weeks which will just happen to coincide with Valentine's day and my 26th birthday. I am really not looking forward to finding out I am not pregnant on a trip to my parents house, the day before my birthday (I know, I know...I have no positive left in me. It got used up four cycles ago. Or, it got used up with all the ass-kissing I had to do with three customers in house this week. Either way, I am out). So, that's my super-positive Thursday post. I just want to be sure I remember next month where I was at this month so that any tiny measure of improvement can be tracked- I really need to see something!

Oh and on a third note, if you would, say a quick prayer- we are getting our home study started for adoption, we are working with an agency that works with disabled kiddos and the cost right now is overwhelming. But, if it is meant to be, it is meant to be and we will find a way. I am keeping it on the back burner because I have no idea what the journey will bring and don't want to get anyone's hopes up!!

Sad

Seems like no matter how much I look myself in the mirror and repeat, that is NOT a sign of pregnancy, you are NOT pregnant, it still breaks my heart every time my cycle starts. Yes, today is day one of my next cycle. Which means, no baby this cycle. As they say in the TTC world, BFN (big fat negative which I like to call Big FUCKING No....). Luckily Jerad has enough hope for both of us because I just plain want to give up. I know, I know, I am being whiny and there are a lot worse problems out there. However, I cannot explain the feeling of every little sore throat, twinge in your ovary, headache, etc making that small iota of doubt creep in. Seriously, the best comparison I have is when you really wanted a certain present for Christmas and mom and dad said, now little Susie, we didn't get you a pony this year. Yet, you still look around and every sound you hope is a neigh. You tell yourself that the one present looks just big enough to be a saddle. Then, when Christmas rolls around and you don't have a pony- you know that you shouldn't be disappointed but yet you are. Imagine going through that every month. It just plain sucks. And, for the whole first half of this cycle I was just content to get through to the next one. Then we started to see progress. Four eggs. The most I have had in all the prior months combined. I tried to tell myself all cycle that nothing was going to happen, I wasn't pregnant, but I couldn't take back the hope that something would happen, that this would finally be the time. So, when I started bleeding today, even though I tried to tell myself that it was coming, I just couldn't fully prepare for it. Tomorrow I call the doctor and we begin our first shot/IUI cycle. I really am just exhausted and wish that I had a better attitude about it all. Maybe tomorrow.

The madness begins...

Well, not really. By madness, I mean the crazy up-and-down hormones and shot cycle. Actually, that begins Monday. Hopefully it can't get any worse than the clomid. According to some it is better and some say the hormones are much worse so I guess we will see! We went to see Brad Paisley at the opening night of the new arena in town and it was a blast! I would post pictures but unfortunately one side effect that has not bypassed me is the hot flashes! Holy moly, it is unreal! For most of last week I wore long johns, jeans, tank top, tee-shirt, and sweatshirt. Plus my coat and hat outside and even some days my gloves inside. Well, as unpredictable as these lovely swings are, I happened to get so hot at the concert that I got sick. I then finished the night in a black tank top and hot pink bra (no kidding...that's why I won't post pictures!) in below freezing weather. Ahhh!! One day this will all be funny, I hope! Anyways. I had a blast with Jerad's brother, his girlfriend and an old friend that I worked with when I first moved here. We also got quoted in the paper! I had the link up on facebook, in case anyone wants to read my words of wisdom :) Well, the countdown is on, trying to balance out my dread of having to see yet another negative test (even when you know it is coming, it still is one of the most awful feelings in the world) before I can start shots with the positive thought that I have a crown and new glasses appointment next week too. Seriously, who ever thought that getting a crown and going to the eye doctor would seem like the highlight of my week?

Back to work

And what a joy it was. I had no headaches the entire break- BAM- I have had a headache today that is quickly turning into a migraine that I cannot get rid of. I am just so bummed to know that all of the progress I made these past two weeks can be erased so quickly. Now the countdown begins to the first shot cycle which will be about the 18th of January. There isn't much to say, I am just trying to ignore this cycle and get through it. One day I will have to do a post on all of the rude and hurtful comments made to me. I really don't understand why TTC is like free reign to people. I mean, you wouldn't walk up to a stranger or a barely acquainted co-worker and say, "Wow, do you think you are ever going to get married? Cause, like, you are getting really OLD!" Somehow when you are trying to have a baby, even though that is something that you cannot physically control AT ALL, people feel the need to give advice and say hurtful comments all over the place! I know that I am a little sensitive right now (a little...ha!) but really, somehow my workplace has just become free reign for all. Nobody there even knows the half of what we are going through but I will be darned if I don't get asked on a regular basis when I am going to drink the pregnancy water (we have 4 preggos at work right now), if my clock is ticking (one engineer walks by me in the hall and will only say "tick tock, tick tock"), if I feel like I am wasting time because I am not preggo yet (true comment!)...it is just unreal. It takes everything I have not to burst into tears, then to come home and be hit with a commercial or advertisement for something silly but baby related, man, I could use another two weeks of hiding from the world!

In other news, I was also bummed to learn that instead of having two graduation ceremonies, my school only has one. So, May of 2010 the graduates from fall 09, spring 10 and summer 10 will walk. Unfortunately I will be three credits (one class) short and have to graduate fall 2010, which means that I will not walk until May 2011. At that point I will be two semesters deep into my masters. Ugh! I was really looking forward to meeting my friend Julie. Since all of my classes have been online, I haven't had the "typical" college experience and don't get to meet any of the people who I have had multiple classes with. Also, I was really excited to see my 5 years of work come to an end! Darn it!

Happy Monday! Oh, I did go an order an awesome necklace from the Vintage Pearl. Yes, a blogger who shall remain nameless advertised this and while I want nothing to do with promoting this person or anything they are associated with, the first necklace under their "unique" category just really caught my eye and has been on my mind all day so I took some of my Christmas money and purchased that exact one, with the baby feet in the center and the words "you are worth it all". I think it will be a beautiful reminder that all the hurtful comments, shots, up and down emotions...all of it will all be worth it one day (soon, I hope!)

The dreaded 2ww

I will have to say, the worst part about trying to conceive is what's called the "two week wait" (or 2ww). There is nothing like this time period which is the 14 days after you ovulate up to the day your period is due (at which point you are likely to tell if you are pregnant or not). For those of you who haven't been through this, think of the anticipation you felt leading up to Christmas...but at the end, you may or may not get a "special present" (ha ha...) It doesn't matter how you psych yourself out, inevitably you will find yourself on google late at night looking up every mystery symptom to see if it is a sign of pregnancy. Seriously, I could probably tell you for every DPO (day past ovulation) what pregnancy symptoms you are most likely to experience. I wish that I could convey how crazy it is because as I told my very supportive husband, I wish that I did not know that a sore throat at 7-9dpo is a sign of pregnancy. I wish that I did not know that cramps in your ovaries or spotting or any of these other things are just as likely a sign of your monthly visitor, but somehow during that week you are convinced it is an impending pregnancy. Seriously, last month I told myself that there was NO WAY that I was going through that again. I was great, I wasn't even tracking my dpo when all of the sudden I woke up with a sore throat and sick to my stomach. As I counted the days, I realized I was at exactly 9dpo. As I tried to tell myself that I was just coming down with the flu, I needed to relax, there is something in your mind that whispers, no, you could be pregnant and you can't help but start looking for other signs and symptoms. I have to say, I would take 20 ultrasounds (they don't call infertility "the stirrup queen" for no reason) to not have to go through this wait. I hate that my body does something different each cycle and I can never count on the same feelings or symptoms as last month.

So, my friends, if you are or will be TTC, I wish you luck and know that the crazy-late-night-google happens to the best of us :) I caution you to not get too caught up in the chat boards and to take some of the stories with a grain of salt. Case in point, there is one particular posting that made me literally LOL (laugh out loud) where a girl posted her "positive" pee stick tests starting at 7dpo up through 14dpo. Seriously? What point do you get to where you post pee sticks on the internet for the world to see the change from day to day?? And how lame is it if you actually look at this? I was fascinated and all of the sudden the commercial that says "1 in 4 women can mis-read a traditional pregnancy test" made a whoooole lot more sense to me because I tell ya, I would not have figured positive on ANY of those!! Anyways, it is about to be that time for us, (I say us, though Jerad has NO idea that I frantically google all of this...there are limits to his love, I am sure!) so wish me luck and I wish you all the same!

January 1, 2010

Ok well it's been awhile. Funny that my last New Year's resolution was to keep a better blog, which clearly hasn't happened! As we played scrabble with Jerad's dad last night and tried to remember what we were doing at this time last year (still no idea, probably because it was so boring it wasn't worth remembering!) I realized that I need to keep better track of things. Since I have yet to scrapbook our wedding, I am clearly just going to have to make more time for scrapbooking and or blogging. Especially while we are TTC, while this has not necessarily been a time I would look back fondly on, it is important to look back and realize that all of this was worth it at some point (hey, I hope that point is sooner rather than later!!). So, as I look ahead to 2010, here is what is in store:

- After 9months of unsuccessfully TTC and under the care of an excellent RE (reproductive endocrinologist), we will start "shots and IUI" also known as Ovarian Hyper stimulation and Intrauterine insemination in the middle of January. This break over the holidays has actually allowed me to produce more eggs than ever which has led to discussion about work, school and the benefit of continuing to spend money on this with all the stress I currently have. (If that didn't make sense, we realize that with stress in the picture we may be just throwing money down the drain but unfortunately there are several very expensive tests that must be current within one year in order to keep going that I have had done within the past 6 months but if we wait will have to pay for yet again. Keeping all of this in mind as we continue treatment, I am not sure what the next year will bring).

-We did not get ANY house repairs done over break. Should we magically receive a babe on our doorstep tomorrow, we have absolutely no place to put said child. So, hopefully there is time, energy and money available as the year goes on to take care of our final room remodel.

-We added another addition to our family. Yes, we are the weirdos with 5 dogs. Although this one in particular can be attributed to Jerad, I have to say that in my humble opinion, we will be excellent parents. We have the five most loved dogs I have ever seen (not that I am biased) and could not turn away our little mus (artimus, also known as muss, mr.muss) as we saw his skinny behind trying to cross the highway.

-I will graduate this year (yay!) and have no idea what to do with myself after the past seven years have been spent (on and off) working on my degree! I will likely graduate in the winter and have been looking at masters programs to go in to while I still have the motivation.

Wow, that seems like quite a bit to start the year off with...can't wait to see what 2010 will bring.

Oh, and for the record, we spent New Year's Eve 2009 at Jennifer's house (Jerad's dad's girlfriend) eating tacos and playing scrabble and Wii. The highlight of the night was when Jerad tried to pull "fadegun and e-flocks" as a double word in scrabble and described eflocks as the birds that are too lazy to migrate so they do it online. Nice one honey.