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Hi Friends,
I have been following little Jonah and his buddy Tripp for awhile now and I really, really encourage you to check out the auction that Jonah's family is holding for his first birthday to raise awareness for EB. And of course, Jonah is a February kid like me, so I have to show some love there!! I am sticking his button on my sidebar, the auction runs for 5 days before Jonah's birthday (on the 27th) and there are a ton of items to bid on! Yay! The link to the auction is:
http://jonahsebauction.blogspot.com/
Because I am so unnecessarily angry at my husband. There. I said it. I know it can probably be chalked up to PMS and/or crazy fluctuating hormones and/or stress. I feel awful about it, I really do. I know that I have the best husband that a girl could hope for. He is my best friend and has been incredibly supportive during the ups and downs (mostly downs...) of this whole process. Since last night though, he has been on my last nerve. And you know what is completely ridiculous? It is irritating me the most that he just expects me to be OK with everything! I mean, the nerve! I am acting perfectly OK, he should know that deep down, I am going to lose it (no, I am not really that irrational which is why I know this is hormone-related, I am always the calm, level headed one. Except for now.) Ugh, I thought venting on my blog would make me feel better but instead it is just making me feel like a jerk. So my bloggy friends, please realize that a lot is going on right now and that I do (deep down) appreciate everything my husband does for me and how lucky I am. But just a little part of me is angry at him that I am in KS with no family, few friends and absolutely no one to talk to about any of this. Except the internet :)
So as I am typing this I have Pandora internet radio playing in the background. Sometimes I feel like God is sitting there laughing at me- and here is why: as I am typing I hear:
Where you go through life
So sure of where you’re headin'
And you wind up lost and it's
The best thing that could have happened
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah that’s when you find yourself
Ok God. I get it. I am being a brat and need to go focus on my stats homework and stop whining. Thank you.
Wow, I can't believe this weekend is over already! Feels like it barely started. First, the topic always on my mind, today is 8 dpiui. I feel cruddy, just a general, down in the dumps, mopey, achey feeling. For some reason, the past three or four cycles I have developed an aversion to coffee (which if you know me, you know how STRANGE that is) about a week before my period. Well, guess what...it happened again today. So, as much as I hope, I have to realistically realize that I am probably not pregnant, again. Even though I am loving me some pickles right now! Seriously, we ordered Jason's Deli and let me tell you, I was in hog-heaven with pickles and peanut butter cookies for my dinner yesterday!
Started to pack for our trip and seriously tore my house apart for two days straight making garage sale piles, starting to pack, realizing I still haven't given out all my Christmas presents (February isn't too late, right?) and just generally stayed around the house and did homework (not as much as I should have, of course). I hope my mood improves before we go visit my family next week-it's going to be hard enough as it is, let alone Valentine's Day, my birthday and another failed cycle. Ugh.
Oh yea- and I told myself if we had one more failed cycle, I was going to quit. The stress at my job is unreal. However, I have put out over 500 job applications in the past three months and have received one call for a job paying less than half of what I make, which I was going to interview for anyways but the day my interview was scheduled, I received a message that they had already hired someone. Yikes. All I know is, I am taking 18 hours this semester, one semester (possibly two) from graduation- plus all our IF struggles, I am not sure how much longer I can do all of this. I just have to keep hoping something is going to change some day soon!
On a positive note, LOL, I just found out that we get Investigation Discovery for a whole 'nother month on our free preview. Yay! I am a crime junkie and love, love, love me some ID network TV! I know I am driving J nuts- he hates these shows...but I have had my own mini marathon in the background all weekend, plus I cleared out the DVR so I can record everything possible before we lose the channel :) I know, it's the little things! Oh, speaking of little things, my friend Megan has a wonderful "year of charity" that she is doing on her blog and one of the groups she donated to is Fertility Socks which I think is just the neatest idea! Meg always finds the worthiest causes, and when she mentioned this one, I knew I had to get them some socks! So, I have a package in my purse, to mail tomorrow! I encourage my IF friends to check them out and if you aren't an IF friend, check them out anyways and realize that yes, a pair of socks can make a difference to someone going through this!
PS: No, we didn't watch the Super Bowl. Thank goodness, hubby cares as little about sports as I do. Hence the Dateline marathon! It's like the Super Bowl for me!
Can I just rant real quick? Because otherwise I will continue my quest on google to look up symptoms which could be ANYTHING and convince myself that I am pregnant. So, writing a blog post should at least distract me long enough that I realize what a waste of time this is! It all started last night, I had been really wanting some salt and vinegar chips all day. I hate salt and vinegar chips and we don't have really any chips around. Went to the mall and got really, really hot and dizzy (thanks prometrium...you are so much fun!) then met J's brother and his girlfriend at a bar for some hamburgers and darts. When we got our food, I started chowing down on my pickles and then J's...he looked at me and said, Uh- are you sure you aren't pregnant (I also don't really love pickles). I told him, even if I was, I would not be having these kinds of symptoms this early, so, while I can't be sure of anything yet, I have to tell myself I am not so that when AF comes I don't completely lose it (who am I kidding, I completely lose it anyways). Woke up this morning, same thing- pickles and/or salted chips. So I am settling for a carne asada burrito when J returns from hunting. And maybe some pickles later :)
Also, as much of a pain as prometrium is, I found some really interesting information about it- namely that one of the biggest causes of low progesterone is stress and that when you have low progesterone and start taking it, you can have what seems like super-severe side effects whereas many other people have little to none. I need to talk to my RE next week, when we initially started my progesterone was low but has not been tested since. Wonder if that could have been one of the issues all along? Another thing I found is that most people are prescribed 100-200 mg and I am on 600 (sure that has nothing to do with my cramps, sleepiness and hunger which I would like to attribute to pregnancy but unfortunately probably not so much!).
Anyways- now that I have talked reason back into myself and see the disaster that my living room is, I better get to work. We leave for CO on Thursday and J's brother will be staying here, I hate to have people over when my house is messy! Plus I guess I better pack and all- my dad talked like our flight was at a normal-person time and come to find out that we leave KS at 5:00am and our return flight doesn't get in until midnight. Suh-weet! But I am looking forward to at least two hours (plane ride) of un-interrupted reading time where I will NOT feel guilty that I am reading and not doing homework/cleaning/working around the house!
Someone else turns up pregnant and I just want to scream. Well that and we have to start tracking our time in increments of five minutes at work. Seriously. So, hopefully I have a job tomorrow because I decided that after item number 180 (well, I work 10-12 hours a day, salary, with typically no lunch...how many entries does he expect???) I decided to start having fun. Here were some of my entries for Thursday:
12:05 to 12:11 go to kitchen, get yogurt out of fridge, forget spoon. Return to kitchen, get spoon then eat yogurt.
3:30 to 3:45 explain to shipping yet again that passes must be received as passes and fails as fails. See entry in D2, D46, D85 and D90.
3:46 to ? Start trying to put schedule together for customer X. After the fourth interruption (less than 5 minutes, not documented...although 4 minutes times 4 interruptions is 16 minutes) gave up. On conference call with customer X discussed his impending maternity leave (I think he meant paternity but I really didn't want to correct him) and luckily didn't get a chance to bring schedule up.
6:15 I am leaving now. Yes, I have been here for 11 hours.
I wouldn't have been such a B* about it but to have someone who manages us and has never had a customer a day in his life, who came from an IT background ask "Well I don't understand what is taking so long. You should just put the schedule together, no more than 5 minutes, correct?" Just makes me (and everyone else in the department) want to scream. The funniest part is how petty everyone has become. I went and bought a bright pink HUGE watch at walmart and every time someone comes over to ask me a question, I turn my timer on. Another gal has a stopwatch around her neck and does the same thing. I mean honestly, while the people I work with are not my favorite on a personal level, they are some of the darn hardest workers I have ever met. To treat us like five year olds is a little ridiculous. Hopefully we only have to do this for a week- I take a little bit of pleasure in knowing the Mr.IT didn't set up his excel formulas correctly and he will have his work cut out for him when sorting through our items! I know, sick and wrong!!
Anyways, yet another friend (well actually my cousin) posted this on her facebook status:
"I can't believe I am going to be 27 with three kids! Yes, we are pregnant again- I am so old!!"
All I wanted to respond with was (no, I didn't...I save my attitude for my blog!):
" I can't believe I am going to be 26 with no kids. Yes, we have officially spent a year doing fertility treatments with no success. It makes me feel so young!!!"
Let me just share that I am having the worst freakin cramps ever! I know, everyone really wanted to know that. Since I am only 4dpiui (days past IUI), I sincerely doubt it is anything to get excited about (like, say....oh....implantation cramps) but DA**. If it is like this each cycle, I am not sure I can do it again. I am talking doubled over in the middle of a sentence cramps. PLUS- no advil/ibuprofen so I am just going through it. Ugh.
There really is no other news, other than the wonderful mood swings and hot flashes still in full effect!! Plus my super positive attitude...
But on a good note, I found an IF blog who wore socks from Little Miss Matched to her IUI and it was the cutest idea EVER so I promptly ordered myself some stars and some polka dots! When I told J he said, Uh- those are for little kids. Men! Anyways, can't wait for those to arrive, at least something in this whole process is fun!!
Why am I blogging and not doing homework?? Oh yea, cause homework sucks! I have senioritis, big time. I am still two point five semesters from graduation...feels like forever. Although, I made an executive decision to order myself a Cookies By Design bouquet for graduation in December. After all, how many times do you graduate college? (Ok, three if you are me...but how many times do you get a cookie bouquet?? NONE!)
So I had an awesome post planned for a look back this past few months at our fertility journey. I have really been enjoying the book The Conception Chronicles and I think my favorite line so far has got to be one of the gals talking about screw a kids meal discount, if you have paid more than 20k to try to have a kid, you deserve a freakin discount at a restaurant!! Makes me laugh when I don't think this whole TTC thing is very funny (most days...). Anyways, as I was putting together my numbers I realized that in the past 10 months of trying we have spent almost 6k and 2k of it has been the first IUI cycle. Yes, we are blessed to have high deductible insurance with no fertility coverage. I mean, at least my asthma medicine is covered (at $225 for a 30 day supply of pills)! By the way, anyone considering fertility treatments should really check out Freedom Fertility Pharmacy. I had NEVER heard of them until my doc accidentally called my RX in there. Turns out, they are about 40% cheaper than my regular pharmacy and they deliver overnight- for free! So anyways, back to the ridiculous amount of money we have spent so far...I then started to count up the number of pee sticks I have wasted and the number of useless gadgets/vitamins/books I have acquired thus far and all of the sudden, it wasn't a real funny post. I know, I know, many people have spent much more time/effort/funds and still are in the same place I am. But, it's my blog and I will whine if I want to!
