By the numbers

Why am I blogging and not doing homework??  Oh yea, cause homework sucks!  I have senioritis, big time.  I am still two point five semesters from graduation...feels like forever.  Although, I made an executive decision to order myself a Cookies By Design bouquet for graduation in December.  After all, how many times do you graduate college?  (Ok, three if you are me...but how many times do you get a cookie bouquet?? NONE!) 
So I had an awesome post planned for a look back this past few months at our fertility journey.  I have really been enjoying the book The Conception Chronicles and I think my favorite line so far has got to be one of the gals talking about screw a kids meal discount, if you have paid more than 20k to try to have a kid, you deserve a freakin discount at a restaurant!!  Makes me laugh when I don't think this whole TTC thing is very funny (most days...).  Anyways, as I was putting together my numbers I realized that in the past 10 months of trying we have spent almost 6k and 2k of it has been the first IUI cycle.  Yes, we are blessed to have high deductible insurance with no fertility coverage.  I mean, at least my asthma medicine is covered (at $225 for a 30 day supply of pills)! By the way, anyone considering fertility treatments should really check out Freedom Fertility Pharmacy.  I had NEVER heard of them until my doc accidentally called my RX in there.  Turns out, they are about 40% cheaper than my regular pharmacy and they deliver overnight- for free!  So anyways, back to the ridiculous amount of money we have spent so far...I then started to count up the number of pee sticks I have wasted and the number of useless gadgets/vitamins/books I have acquired thus far and all of the sudden, it wasn't a real funny post.  I know, I know, many people have spent much more time/effort/funds and still are in the same place I am.  But, it's my blog and I will whine if I want to!  

And now for something different

First off, let me say- if you love free stuff and don't follow Work at Home Mafia then you should!  I just saw this deal on facebook and had to take advantage of it.  Canvas People is offering a $55 gift certificate towards their canvas prints which makes the 8x10 free (with shipping ~ 14.95), the 11x 10 is 9.99 and so on.  Of course, I love a deal and had to take advantage of it.  In doing so, I went through my wedding pictures from December of 2007 that I have yet to get printed or scrapbook, and found a few favorites to share.  First, the one I picked for our canvas:

A few more of my favorites:

From top: Jerad and I, my family, my sister and Jerad's best friend (maid of honor and best man), all of the men (brothers, dads), my mom letting me wear my grandma's bracelet.  Even though our pictures sucked (seriously...I will have to do a wedding post some day.  Our pictures were awful, the Pastor forgot our names, there was family drama...overall an unforgettable wedding!) BUT even thought our pictures mostly sucked, there were some good ones and I can't wait to see my new canvas print!

0 DPO

I know, super creative post title!  This morning was our IUI and I am likely not ovulating until tomorrow (I forgot to do my poas test today but I am going by every other month's numbers).  So, I am not officially in the two week wait, but sort of.  IUI wasn't too bad- we were a little late in the door and got to walk into a waiting room with four other couples.  I hate how awkward that felt but, oh well!  You would think there would be some sort of knowing look or something but mostly (and J felt it too) it was like everyone was wondering what's wrong with you and why you were there!  The procedure itself wasn't too bad.  The worst is the warning the tech gave me about the meds I have to take the next two weeks.  As if the wait wasn't bad enough, she tells me that these medicines can mimic pregnancy symptoms (breast tenderness, nausea, moodiness, fatigue) so to "not get too excited."  I tell ya, I haven't blogged about it too much but the absolute worst part of all of this is that each two week wait, I look myself in the eye and say you are NOT pregnant, this is NOT a sign of pregnancy...yet inevitably something gives you that ray of hope.  Every twinge, every headache, every cramp makes you wonder if you are pregnant even when you try your hardest not to think about it.  So, after she told me this and left us alone ( I had to lie flat for 20 minutes) I just started bawling.  Poor J was trying to wipe my face and make sure I didn't move.  I just dread these next two weeks- especially since some of it will be spent with my family who has no idea that any of this is going on.  Then we will have to tackle Valentine's day and my birthday- 25 hit me really, really hard and I hope 26 goes a bit smoother!


And, because I feel like all I do is rant about IF on here, let me just tell you about some delicious tater tot casserole that my bloggy friend Finessa made.  You can check out her recipe here.  It is so, SO good and was so, SO easy!  I made it while J was hunting and I should have been doing homework!  Definitely worth it.  Hope everyone is having a good weekend...guess I oughta tackle some of that homework...

Tomorrow is the big day

For anyone keeping track (my future sister in law, for one!) tomorrow is our first IUI. I am nervous about the timing, my doctor seems to think that timing will be perfect. Normally I ovulate 48 hours after my trigger shot, sometimes up to 72. However, IUI's are typically done 36 hours after. There seems to be a difference of opinions as to how long sperm can live after being washed. I have read that within 6 hours either side of ovulation is the best time for IUI- obviously ours will be 24 hours early. So, hopefully our timing is good and etc, etc. No, my attitude hasn't improved from yesterday :) But, I have a weekend full of homework to look forward to so here's to hoping things look up (ha ha!)

Love This!

I found this at: http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread.html. Once I figure out how to put the little ribbon up, I am doing it! But for now, this story is exactly what I needed today. I found out eight (YES, EIGHT) girls that I graduated with are all expecting. And, another 19 year old at work is too. So, today this was just what I needed to see! I stumbled upon an IF (infertility) blog and found this story. I don't really know what qualifies as IF, we are doing all the IF treatments...but it's a club I don't really want to join so for now, I will be an un-official member. Anyways.

For anyone who has ever had a miscarriage, struggled with pregnancy, and all things infertile…there is a movement upon us that you might want to join. It’s rather simple actually: a discreet ribbon on your right wrist to signal to others that they are not alone in their struggles.

As someone who has had 5 m/c but am currently 5 months pregnant (YEAH), I wonder who looks at my big belly with sadness because they are in the month-to-month struggle. I mentioned to a friend that I wished there was some secret nod or international sign as if to say, this belly was hardwon. Well, she posted this quandary on her blog (http://www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/) and the response has been quite overwhelming…and a movement has been born!
Pomegranates, a longstanding symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in colour and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. Though our diagnosis is unique—endometriosis, low sperm count, luteal phase defect, or causes unknown—the emotions, those seeds on the inside, are the same from person to person. Infertility creates frustration, anger, depression, guilt, and loneliness. Compounding these emotions is the shame that drives people suffering from infertility to retreat into silence.

The pomegranate-colored thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through any means, natural or A.R.T., families created through adoption or surrogacy, or couples trying to conceive during infertility or secondary infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware. Join us in starting this conversation about infertility by purchasingthis pomegranate-coloured thread (#814 by DMC) at any craft, knitting, or variety store such as Walmart or Target. Tie it on your right wrist. Notice it on others. Just thought I would pass the word along!

First IUI

Today was my appointment to check the status of my eggs (wow, NEVER thought I would be saying that!) and although I am so sure that everyone wants to know this information... (right....) I am recording it so that next month I can compare because believe it or not, a month goes FAST and before I know it, I can't remember what I ate for dinner, let alone what happened last month. So, for comparisons sake: This is my fourth cycle of clomid, my first with injectables and IUI. At CD12 I have 3 follicles- 19, 19 and 14 (again, never thought I would be the girl typing up the size of my follicles for the world to see!). Our IUI is on Saturday which will be our first IUI and CD 15. So much fun I can't even stand it!

In other news, school is back full force. I cannot wait to graduate (December...here I come!) and work has been hell. We are going to Colorado in two weeks which will just happen to coincide with Valentine's day and my 26th birthday. I am really not looking forward to finding out I am not pregnant on a trip to my parents house, the day before my birthday (I know, I know...I have no positive left in me. It got used up four cycles ago. Or, it got used up with all the ass-kissing I had to do with three customers in house this week. Either way, I am out). So, that's my super-positive Thursday post. I just want to be sure I remember next month where I was at this month so that any tiny measure of improvement can be tracked- I really need to see something!

Oh and on a third note, if you would, say a quick prayer- we are getting our home study started for adoption, we are working with an agency that works with disabled kiddos and the cost right now is overwhelming. But, if it is meant to be, it is meant to be and we will find a way. I am keeping it on the back burner because I have no idea what the journey will bring and don't want to get anyone's hopes up!!

Sad

Seems like no matter how much I look myself in the mirror and repeat, that is NOT a sign of pregnancy, you are NOT pregnant, it still breaks my heart every time my cycle starts. Yes, today is day one of my next cycle. Which means, no baby this cycle. As they say in the TTC world, BFN (big fat negative which I like to call Big FUCKING No....). Luckily Jerad has enough hope for both of us because I just plain want to give up. I know, I know, I am being whiny and there are a lot worse problems out there. However, I cannot explain the feeling of every little sore throat, twinge in your ovary, headache, etc making that small iota of doubt creep in. Seriously, the best comparison I have is when you really wanted a certain present for Christmas and mom and dad said, now little Susie, we didn't get you a pony this year. Yet, you still look around and every sound you hope is a neigh. You tell yourself that the one present looks just big enough to be a saddle. Then, when Christmas rolls around and you don't have a pony- you know that you shouldn't be disappointed but yet you are. Imagine going through that every month. It just plain sucks. And, for the whole first half of this cycle I was just content to get through to the next one. Then we started to see progress. Four eggs. The most I have had in all the prior months combined. I tried to tell myself all cycle that nothing was going to happen, I wasn't pregnant, but I couldn't take back the hope that something would happen, that this would finally be the time. So, when I started bleeding today, even though I tried to tell myself that it was coming, I just couldn't fully prepare for it. Tomorrow I call the doctor and we begin our first shot/IUI cycle. I really am just exhausted and wish that I had a better attitude about it all. Maybe tomorrow.