Sad

Seems like no matter how much I look myself in the mirror and repeat, that is NOT a sign of pregnancy, you are NOT pregnant, it still breaks my heart every time my cycle starts. Yes, today is day one of my next cycle. Which means, no baby this cycle. As they say in the TTC world, BFN (big fat negative which I like to call Big FUCKING No....). Luckily Jerad has enough hope for both of us because I just plain want to give up. I know, I know, I am being whiny and there are a lot worse problems out there. However, I cannot explain the feeling of every little sore throat, twinge in your ovary, headache, etc making that small iota of doubt creep in. Seriously, the best comparison I have is when you really wanted a certain present for Christmas and mom and dad said, now little Susie, we didn't get you a pony this year. Yet, you still look around and every sound you hope is a neigh. You tell yourself that the one present looks just big enough to be a saddle. Then, when Christmas rolls around and you don't have a pony- you know that you shouldn't be disappointed but yet you are. Imagine going through that every month. It just plain sucks. And, for the whole first half of this cycle I was just content to get through to the next one. Then we started to see progress. Four eggs. The most I have had in all the prior months combined. I tried to tell myself all cycle that nothing was going to happen, I wasn't pregnant, but I couldn't take back the hope that something would happen, that this would finally be the time. So, when I started bleeding today, even though I tried to tell myself that it was coming, I just couldn't fully prepare for it. Tomorrow I call the doctor and we begin our first shot/IUI cycle. I really am just exhausted and wish that I had a better attitude about it all. Maybe tomorrow.

The madness begins...

Well, not really. By madness, I mean the crazy up-and-down hormones and shot cycle. Actually, that begins Monday. Hopefully it can't get any worse than the clomid. According to some it is better and some say the hormones are much worse so I guess we will see! We went to see Brad Paisley at the opening night of the new arena in town and it was a blast! I would post pictures but unfortunately one side effect that has not bypassed me is the hot flashes! Holy moly, it is unreal! For most of last week I wore long johns, jeans, tank top, tee-shirt, and sweatshirt. Plus my coat and hat outside and even some days my gloves inside. Well, as unpredictable as these lovely swings are, I happened to get so hot at the concert that I got sick. I then finished the night in a black tank top and hot pink bra (no kidding...that's why I won't post pictures!) in below freezing weather. Ahhh!! One day this will all be funny, I hope! Anyways. I had a blast with Jerad's brother, his girlfriend and an old friend that I worked with when I first moved here. We also got quoted in the paper! I had the link up on facebook, in case anyone wants to read my words of wisdom :) Well, the countdown is on, trying to balance out my dread of having to see yet another negative test (even when you know it is coming, it still is one of the most awful feelings in the world) before I can start shots with the positive thought that I have a crown and new glasses appointment next week too. Seriously, who ever thought that getting a crown and going to the eye doctor would seem like the highlight of my week?

Back to work

And what a joy it was. I had no headaches the entire break- BAM- I have had a headache today that is quickly turning into a migraine that I cannot get rid of. I am just so bummed to know that all of the progress I made these past two weeks can be erased so quickly. Now the countdown begins to the first shot cycle which will be about the 18th of January. There isn't much to say, I am just trying to ignore this cycle and get through it. One day I will have to do a post on all of the rude and hurtful comments made to me. I really don't understand why TTC is like free reign to people. I mean, you wouldn't walk up to a stranger or a barely acquainted co-worker and say, "Wow, do you think you are ever going to get married? Cause, like, you are getting really OLD!" Somehow when you are trying to have a baby, even though that is something that you cannot physically control AT ALL, people feel the need to give advice and say hurtful comments all over the place! I know that I am a little sensitive right now (a little...ha!) but really, somehow my workplace has just become free reign for all. Nobody there even knows the half of what we are going through but I will be darned if I don't get asked on a regular basis when I am going to drink the pregnancy water (we have 4 preggos at work right now), if my clock is ticking (one engineer walks by me in the hall and will only say "tick tock, tick tock"), if I feel like I am wasting time because I am not preggo yet (true comment!)...it is just unreal. It takes everything I have not to burst into tears, then to come home and be hit with a commercial or advertisement for something silly but baby related, man, I could use another two weeks of hiding from the world!

In other news, I was also bummed to learn that instead of having two graduation ceremonies, my school only has one. So, May of 2010 the graduates from fall 09, spring 10 and summer 10 will walk. Unfortunately I will be three credits (one class) short and have to graduate fall 2010, which means that I will not walk until May 2011. At that point I will be two semesters deep into my masters. Ugh! I was really looking forward to meeting my friend Julie. Since all of my classes have been online, I haven't had the "typical" college experience and don't get to meet any of the people who I have had multiple classes with. Also, I was really excited to see my 5 years of work come to an end! Darn it!

Happy Monday! Oh, I did go an order an awesome necklace from the Vintage Pearl. Yes, a blogger who shall remain nameless advertised this and while I want nothing to do with promoting this person or anything they are associated with, the first necklace under their "unique" category just really caught my eye and has been on my mind all day so I took some of my Christmas money and purchased that exact one, with the baby feet in the center and the words "you are worth it all". I think it will be a beautiful reminder that all the hurtful comments, shots, up and down emotions...all of it will all be worth it one day (soon, I hope!)

The dreaded 2ww

I will have to say, the worst part about trying to conceive is what's called the "two week wait" (or 2ww). There is nothing like this time period which is the 14 days after you ovulate up to the day your period is due (at which point you are likely to tell if you are pregnant or not). For those of you who haven't been through this, think of the anticipation you felt leading up to Christmas...but at the end, you may or may not get a "special present" (ha ha...) It doesn't matter how you psych yourself out, inevitably you will find yourself on google late at night looking up every mystery symptom to see if it is a sign of pregnancy. Seriously, I could probably tell you for every DPO (day past ovulation) what pregnancy symptoms you are most likely to experience. I wish that I could convey how crazy it is because as I told my very supportive husband, I wish that I did not know that a sore throat at 7-9dpo is a sign of pregnancy. I wish that I did not know that cramps in your ovaries or spotting or any of these other things are just as likely a sign of your monthly visitor, but somehow during that week you are convinced it is an impending pregnancy. Seriously, last month I told myself that there was NO WAY that I was going through that again. I was great, I wasn't even tracking my dpo when all of the sudden I woke up with a sore throat and sick to my stomach. As I counted the days, I realized I was at exactly 9dpo. As I tried to tell myself that I was just coming down with the flu, I needed to relax, there is something in your mind that whispers, no, you could be pregnant and you can't help but start looking for other signs and symptoms. I have to say, I would take 20 ultrasounds (they don't call infertility "the stirrup queen" for no reason) to not have to go through this wait. I hate that my body does something different each cycle and I can never count on the same feelings or symptoms as last month.

So, my friends, if you are or will be TTC, I wish you luck and know that the crazy-late-night-google happens to the best of us :) I caution you to not get too caught up in the chat boards and to take some of the stories with a grain of salt. Case in point, there is one particular posting that made me literally LOL (laugh out loud) where a girl posted her "positive" pee stick tests starting at 7dpo up through 14dpo. Seriously? What point do you get to where you post pee sticks on the internet for the world to see the change from day to day?? And how lame is it if you actually look at this? I was fascinated and all of the sudden the commercial that says "1 in 4 women can mis-read a traditional pregnancy test" made a whoooole lot more sense to me because I tell ya, I would not have figured positive on ANY of those!! Anyways, it is about to be that time for us, (I say us, though Jerad has NO idea that I frantically google all of this...there are limits to his love, I am sure!) so wish me luck and I wish you all the same!

January 1, 2010

Ok well it's been awhile. Funny that my last New Year's resolution was to keep a better blog, which clearly hasn't happened! As we played scrabble with Jerad's dad last night and tried to remember what we were doing at this time last year (still no idea, probably because it was so boring it wasn't worth remembering!) I realized that I need to keep better track of things. Since I have yet to scrapbook our wedding, I am clearly just going to have to make more time for scrapbooking and or blogging. Especially while we are TTC, while this has not necessarily been a time I would look back fondly on, it is important to look back and realize that all of this was worth it at some point (hey, I hope that point is sooner rather than later!!). So, as I look ahead to 2010, here is what is in store:

- After 9months of unsuccessfully TTC and under the care of an excellent RE (reproductive endocrinologist), we will start "shots and IUI" also known as Ovarian Hyper stimulation and Intrauterine insemination in the middle of January. This break over the holidays has actually allowed me to produce more eggs than ever which has led to discussion about work, school and the benefit of continuing to spend money on this with all the stress I currently have. (If that didn't make sense, we realize that with stress in the picture we may be just throwing money down the drain but unfortunately there are several very expensive tests that must be current within one year in order to keep going that I have had done within the past 6 months but if we wait will have to pay for yet again. Keeping all of this in mind as we continue treatment, I am not sure what the next year will bring).

-We did not get ANY house repairs done over break. Should we magically receive a babe on our doorstep tomorrow, we have absolutely no place to put said child. So, hopefully there is time, energy and money available as the year goes on to take care of our final room remodel.

-We added another addition to our family. Yes, we are the weirdos with 5 dogs. Although this one in particular can be attributed to Jerad, I have to say that in my humble opinion, we will be excellent parents. We have the five most loved dogs I have ever seen (not that I am biased) and could not turn away our little mus (artimus, also known as muss, mr.muss) as we saw his skinny behind trying to cross the highway.

-I will graduate this year (yay!) and have no idea what to do with myself after the past seven years have been spent (on and off) working on my degree! I will likely graduate in the winter and have been looking at masters programs to go in to while I still have the motivation.

Wow, that seems like quite a bit to start the year off with...can't wait to see what 2010 will bring.

Oh, and for the record, we spent New Year's Eve 2009 at Jennifer's house (Jerad's dad's girlfriend) eating tacos and playing scrabble and Wii. The highlight of the night was when Jerad tried to pull "fadegun and e-flocks" as a double word in scrabble and described eflocks as the birds that are too lazy to migrate so they do it online. Nice one honey.

What's going on with me...

Well, let me just tell you! If you follow me on twitter (I think the few people that read my blog do indeed follow me!) than you know I have had some health issues recently and have made multiple trips to the doctor. So, here’s the rundown. Oh, and if you don’t want TMI about me, you should probably stop reading here.

So that was fair warning. Issue one is the abnormal pap’s that I have had with no indication of any underlying issue. No STD, no HPV, nothing. Although my cells are coming back as high grade abnormal (the stop before cancer cells) my doctor is not concerned. It does concern me because I have come back increasingly worse since my first bad test almost a year ago. My doctor believes that I will either get worse or get better and that I should just check in every three months until I do. As non-comforting as that is, it is what it is!

So, issue two. Apparently normal people’s progesterone is in the 40-50 range. Low is considered 10-20. Mine is 2.3. So, according to my doctor, I have something going on. However, what is going on is anybody’s guess. She said it is entirely possible that I never ovulated or do so sporadically and that could just be how I have always been but this has been masked by the birth control pills. She tested my insulin (normal), glucose (normal), thyroid (normal), white blood cells (normal) and a whole list of other stuff I can’t recall. What that all means: I don’t have PCOS (very common), she doesn’t believe that I have potential for ovarian cancer (very vague but hopeful?!?!?) and what I do have is …again…anybody’s guess. Unfortunately because of this I have very severe PMS-like symptoms for 3-4 weeks of my cycle featuring knock-down cramps, horrid nausea, just an all around awful time. Since all of this adds up to about one week of feeling NOT crappy and because me not ovulating can lead to cysts, ovarian issues and/or infertility, my doctor has prescribed clomid for me to start at the beginning of the next cycle. Let me tell you, there is NOTHING in the world like hearing you may not ever be able to conceive. It truly was not a great week for me and I am still struggling. I pray that after this first cycle I will know more. My doc plans to give me three cycles, starting at the lowest dose, and then upping it by 50mg until I either ovulate or I don’t. If I don’t, the next step is a MRI to check my tubes and ovaries. Hopefully we don’t have to go that far. My doctor suggested Jerad and I prepare either way, so it sounds like by her estimations it could go either way.

So, that’s where things are at! Thanks for checking in friends, your thoughts and prayers are much appreciated!

PS: One day soon I will update my blog. I only typed this all out because it was too much to tweet. Really, one day I will get around to it!

Not telling…

Maybe this post should be titled “Utterly Frustrated” as that’s what my mood has been for the past month or so. Why? Well I am so glad you asked, let me just tell you…

We are not yet telling friends and family we are TTC. Because of previous problems I have had we are not sure how long/difficult this journey is going to be and don’t need the extra pressure from parents and friends. Mostly parents. Anyways, as it turns out I might have ADDITONAL problems (yea!) that I will be going to see the doctor about on Friday. Since we are not telling anyone, I have no one to call and ask if this is normal and am stuck with a forum of wonderful women who have been very helpful (seriously!) and webMD. The most dangerous website on the internet for me. So far I have been completely convinced that I have had everything from cancer to cysts to ectopic pregnancy. Why, you might ask? Well that’s what happens when someone with borderline OCD pays super close attention to every sign/signal that their body is sending and is set loose on webMD. My husband is absolutely thrilled with my new hobby.

In the meantime, we have been checking into adoption, something that has been on my heart for awhile now. Specifically, down syndrome adoption. While starting paperwork I am reviewing requirements and notice that many countries require that neither parent have any medical issues (just ask my life insurance, unfortunately I have what is considered a “life threatening condition”) and cannot have been on any long-term medication. So, even though my asthma is well controlled and means nothing unusual to me, to the agency it may mean I am not fit to be a parent??? For the love of Pete. Don’t EVEN get me started on the meth-addicted couple we saw on 4^th of July about 7-8months pregnant drinking beer, smoking and partying like there was no tomorrow. They were quite the talk of the lake…yet my boring, loving, dual income, healthy, happy spouse and myself CLEARLY are not fit to be parents. Argh!

Last, but not least, speaking of that dual income…let’s just say I think my “psychic” ability might extend beyond pregnancy predictions. For those who don’t know, I have successfully predicted 6 pregnancies in friends of ours, even after not seeing some for 4 years. I refer to it as my completely useless talent. Anyways, right now I am blogging in the middle of the day because we are on a forced, un-paid, vacation from work. Our first of two this year. With all the drama going on right now, I am trying to keep my head up and be thankful I have a job (a challenge in itself, but that’s for another post). However, the signs are pointing towards a not so great ending for our company. I am praying for direction on this one, maybe this is the best possible solution. Sure has made for a lot of sleepless nights, which I am not proud to admit. I would like to say that my faith is strong enough to believe that we will make it through, however I am overwhelmed with so much right now, this just feels like the icing on top of the cake!

And on that LOVELY note, thanks for letting me bitch! Hopefully the rest of the week will look a little more positive and I will have good news to report after Friday!